My child is a picky eater. She’s one year old and used to eat anything and now she refuses to eat meat and vegetables (unless they are green). She could live on pasta and fruit. What should I do? Thanks Rowena
Hi Rowena, I understand how frustrating this is for you. It’s much more difficult to deal with a child who cannot yet communicate with you. So I completely understand how easy it is for you to just want to give her whatever she’ll eat. Having said that, let me take you on a story of how picky eaters develop.
How picky eaters develop
I often bring this up with my clients during a behaviour intervention because it’s very helpful in understanding how these issues can originate. Let’s pretend there’s a mom with a little girl who has been eating pretty well since she introduced solid foods. Then one day, her little girl decides to snap her mouth firmly shut and there just isn’t any way that mom can get that spoon any where near her. Now if mom just shrugs her shoulders, stays calm and assumes her child is full, all is well and good. Perhaps she just gently takes a wet cloth to that firmly closed mouth and let’s her little one get down, unfazed by the whole refusal thing.
Mom or dad’s worries are a child’s worries
But let’s pretend that instead of reacting calmly, this mom harbours worries about her child’s small size. “Oh, my baby girl’s only in the 5th Percentile for weight…yikes!’ Mum approaches the meal with trepidation. She’s worried and shows it. When the child’s mouth closes firmly, the child can see the tension in her mom’s face and her posture. Mom doesn’t give up but tries to play a game instead, moving the spoon all around in a pleasant high pitched voice. When that doesn’t work or ceases working after a while, she starts to plead and when her husband or other support person comes in the room, they talk about the ‘eating problem’ in hushed voices with anxious tones.
One issue builds on the other
Each meal becomes progressively worse. You see, the child can feel the anxiety and the adults for their part, start to act as if they know there will be a problem with the meal. You can cut the tension with a knife. Nobody talks as the spoon approaches their little one’s mouth. Every one waits expectantly. The child realizes they are the centre of attention and can feel the anxiety around the table. This is not a comfortable feeling. Suddenly the little girl feels weird, unprotected, out of control because her rock is faltering and her adult family members are looking concerned. Deep down within the child has a desperate need for assurance. The little girl needs to know her parents know how to handle her and now that rock that she has relied on for so long, has suddenly disintegrated.
The pressure is on
Every meal it gets worse and soon more and more foods are being pushed away. Now she’s only eat yogurt or cereal. Mum gets upset and calls friends to talk about the problem or chats at playtime with the other moms over what to do. Each couple of days she tries something new, hopeful as she approaches the meal that this will finally cure the picky eating. She takes the child to a doctor and maybe a specialist, all of whom poke and prod her child and focus on the ‘problem.’ Not much changes.
Picky eating is not about eating
Ok, that was a fictional story but it’s something I see all the time. It’s very important if you want to stop this behaviour, for you to see extreme picky eating as actually having nothing to do with eating. So what does it have to do with? Well, it has to do with leadership. When you feel anxious and worried, you stop being a leader and you start inadvertently looking to your child for resolution. That in turn, makes your child feel very uncomfortable because no child is equipped to lead a family.
Tips won’t solve the problem
I feel for your struggles because it’s very confusing for parents out there. Parents are told that they can solve issues with a series of tips. I’m sorry to be the one to say this but that’s not true. All tips will do is confuse parents and lull them in to a sense of false security, making them think they can change their child’s behaviour just by tweaking things. As a result, parents are sent in to a cycle of looking for help indefinitely and nothing is ever resolved.
Food battles equal control battles
If you have a child that is refusing food consistently and it’s become a problem, it’s because she’s starting to see that she has control in certain areas. If you’re lucky and she displays this kind of behaviour only at meals, then it’s likely she’s reacting to your anxiety and you can fix it by taking the lead and simply reacting calmly to her pickiness and removing the anxiety from the experience. That means you have to back off, provide all kinds of foods and if she doesn’t eat them, then you simply remove the snacks and allow her to get hungry enough for her to change her mind at the next meal. Yes, because she can’t communicate, you’ll have to put up with some horrible whining but it’s really important you stay calm whilst that happens.
If you do, it’ll stop the moment she figures out that there is food to be had but only at certain points. She may be angry with you but the picky eating will stop promptly. If you’re seeing controlling behaviour show up elsewhere, then you know there are moments when you need to review how you’re leading her.
I had hoped to be able to answer this question more fully on my TV spot but I only have a few minutes and as you can tell there’s a lot of information here.
To get more of your parenting questions answered, please visit my parenting services page.
I hope you find this helpful.