Dear Annie. I can’t get my toddler to sleep! Our 13 month old son started at a Day home 3 weeks ago when I went back to work and he does not seem to be adjusting very well. He cries and cries and he won’t take any naps there, so he is exhausted when we pick him up and he is very cranky at night.
Thankfully I am only working three days a week but those three days have still become very difficult. Our dayhome lady seems to drop subtle hints that we will have to find alternate child care if he doesn’t adjust soon, and finding child care in this city right now is TOUGH!
He has become more difficult lately to get him to sleep and down for his naps. Another factor could be that I have been weaning him from breastfeeding. We have got down to the bedtime feed for the last few weeks and now we’ve just dropped that one. I don’t know how to deal with these sleep issues. I have taken the Raymond Parenting class before and it worked okay when he was younger but he has amazing stamina to cry for long long periods of time now. Help! Thank you, Leah
I feel for you. Going back to work is always a tough adjustment for everyone. Here’s what I suspect may be happening in your case. First of all, toddlers don’t deal that well with major change, which you’ve had a lot of in the last little while. On top of the changes, your provider is threatening to withdraw his space, leaving you in a difficult bind.
Your child is picking up on your stress
In many ways this has become a cycle. You are stressed because your provider might withdraw her help. Unless you are extremely careful your son will pick up on that stress. His stress including any he picks up from you affects his mood and his ability to sleep. Because little people show worry through their behaviour, he becomes more demanding and difficult at night. This is something I commonly cover with my behaviour intervention service because believe it or not, it happens a lot. In response to his demands, you get even more stressed. In other words, one ends up feeding the other.
There are really two issues here. The first is that your son is feeling stressed and we want to help him feel better. The second is that because he’s not sleeping, it’s very hard for him to feel better. After all, who among us can see the good in the world when we’re thoroughly overtired. I don’t know about you but nothing is right when I’m not sleeping!
Learning to go to sleep is a skill
Many parents come to me hoping for a magic bullet when it comes to teaching their child to go to sleep. To be honest, I wish there was one but in my experience they’re isn’t. The reason why I say “teaching a child to go to sleep,” is because there is a very definitive teaching component. Children have to learn self-soothing skills and if they’re never allowed to experience the need to self soothe they’re unlikely to develop those skills until much later. It’s not an easy thing to teach but it’s incalculably valuable. I explain the specifics of my preferred sleep training method in my other letters, particularly “How can I get my child to sleep through the night.” What I stress though in all my letters is consistency. Whatever method you decide to choose, stick with it. If you don’t, you send mixed messages which ends up making life more difficult for everyone.
Perhaps the most important thing to do is to break the cycle of stress. How do you do that? Well, first make sure he’s got lots and lots of daytime hugs, cuddles etc. Do as much reassuring as you can. Make sure you get some decent rest as well. In terms of his sleeping problem, my advice would be to get that under control as soon as possible. Having said that though, I wouldn’t want to put a child through sleep training when he’s already feeling under duress. Can you remove him from the dayhome for a several days so he’s in a period of low-stress when you deal with this? Can your husband/partner help? Once he’s sleeping properly through the night, he’ll be able to deal with the move to the dayhome more effectively. You’re unfortunately in a bit of a Catch 22. He won’t adjust until he feels better and he can’t feel better because he’s so overtired.
I wish I could help more but I hope I’ve at least been able to put the whole issue in a more easily understood framework. For more help with your parenting, please visit my parenting services page.
All the best,