Why Gentle Parenting Creates More Issues than it Solves

You might think that by writing an article with the title, “Gentle Parenting Disaster: Why Modern Parents Feel Burned-Out, Stressed, and Ready to Snap,” I’m indulging in hyperbole, but it’s something I’m seeing a lot and it’s on the increase. You’ve probably seen her: the mom at the park doing her best with gentle parenting while her three-year-old is having an Olympic-level tantrum. She’s crouching, whispering, empathizing, and trying to stay calm with a small child we’ll call Emily, all while other parents sneak sympathetic glances. She knows she’s supposed to help her child “process big feelings,” so she negotiates. Maybe they can stay five more minutes. Maybe she can grab a rotisserie chicken and salad on the way home instead of cooking. Eventually, she gives in. The tears stop, Mom relaxes, and peace is restored.

Or is it? I’ve written many a treatise on why gentle parenting doesn’t work but I bet you didn’t know it has something to do with your dryer or rather, how you approach the act of doing laundry and other tasks.

Gentle Parenting Disaster and What It Has to Do With Your Dryer

Before we go further, I want to take a quick detour to your laundry room. And at this point you’re probably asking what gentle parenting has to do with your dryer. Well, hear me out. That humble dryer humming in the background seems harmless, but it’s a quiet symbol of how our modern life works. You throw in a load, you press a button, and you walk away. The machine does in forty minutes what once took half a day of hanging, watching the weather, and hauling baskets in and out. That simple convenience gives you time and comfort, but it’s also changed the texture of your day—and, as strange as it may sound, the way you parent.

It seems like a harmless compromise. Everyone’s happy, no harm done. But look closer and something deeper is happening. In the case of Emily, that small decision to stay longer isn’t really about Emily’s feelings at all. It’s about energy. Not emotional energy, because there’s plenty of that in the park, or even physical energy, which you’re probably running short of by day’s end.  No, I mean the kind of energy that powers your car, your phone, your dryer, and your entire life.

Because if you take away that convenience, say, the car, the dryer, or the ready-made chicken, the whole scene changes. Imagine for a moment, Emily’s mom lives in a world without the extra help. No dryer, no quick grocery run. She has to get home before the rain so her washing can dry and dinner can be made from scratch. So guess what? Now her priorities shift. There’s no time to negotiate, and she’s not being unkind, just anchored. She knows what needs to be done, and that confidence flows through her tone and body language.

Emily may still protest, but Mum’s clear: “It’s time to go.” No tantrum lasts very long when it changes nothing. And that’s the point.

Gentle Parenting Makes It Too Easy to Lose Family Rhythm

Cheap, abundant energy has made our lives easier and, strangely, our parenting harder. With every modern convenience, we’ve gained freedom but lost natural boundaries. Once, we worked within the rhythm of the day. We washed, cooked, fetched water, and did laundry by hand—all of which created structure and gave parents an effortless authority. Children saw what needed doing and where they fit in. They learned to help, to actually be useful. Now we live in a world of buttons, apps, and takeout, and the tasks that used to ground families to simpler rhythms have vanished. Nobody is suggesting we go back to 1950 but there is a lesson here.

When we no longer need our children’s help, they lose a vital role: to contribute. And when parents have nothing urgent pulling them, no pressing chores or setting sun dictating the rhythm, they start revolving life around the child instead of the family. The trouble with gentle parenting is that the child becomes the centre of the household, not because they earned it, but because convenience created the space for it.

Gentle Parenting is a Reflection of our Culture

That’s how we got here, to a culture where “gentle parenting” is seen as a moral virtue rather than a reflection of our abundance. We now have the luxury to negotiate every meltdown, the time to analyze every emotion, and the means to buy peace on the way home.

You can see it in advice like this from one gentle parenting site, which urges parents to “allow your child time and space to release all of their feelings. Avoid adding extra words and instead, focus on being a calm presence… offer a hug, sit quietly beside them, or gently place a pillow under their body so they don’t hurt themselves.” (Nurtured First)

It sounds kind, but it leaves parents frozen in place—spectators to their child’s outburst, stuck waiting while the tantrum takes centre stage. It’s not presence; it’s paralysis.

So don’t let this fool you: luxury has a cost.

When a child’s feelings constantly take precedence over a parent’s leadership, the roles reverse. The parent stops leading, and the child steps into the vacuum, a terrifying place for them to be. Children aren’t meant to steer the family ship. They crave leaders who know what they’re doing. When that leadership wobbles, kids push harder, testing boundaries not because they’re bad but because they’re looking for someone to hold the reins.

It’s not just about tantrums. Cheap energy replaced shared family labour with machines. Dishwashers, dryers, and cars took away daily rituals that gave kids purpose and parents authority. Now chores are squeezed in “after kid time,” as if real life has to be done in secret once the children are asleep. Parents who can’t provide that time due to either through economic or other struggles, feel constantly guilty.

Gentle Parenting Disaster: Kids Need a Role

When kids never see parents doing life, they don’t learn how to join in. They don’t learn to help. They become observers, or worse, consumers of family life rather than contributors to it. We think this makes them happy.  It doesn’t. It makes them feel restless, unanchored, and unsure where they belong and what they should do.  And we, the parents, feel perpetually exhausted because we’re trying to fill a void that can really only be filled by responsibility and helping children to be part of something larger than themselves—their family.

Gentle parenting, as it’s now practiced, asks parents to prioritize their child’s emotional comfort over growth. It tells parents to treat every feeling as sacred, every protest as valid, and every tantrum as a teachable moment. From the child’s point of view, it shifts the balance from ‘us’ to ‘me.’

Gentle Parenting Disaster: Kids Need Leadership

True gentleness isn’t permissive. It’s steady. It’s the calm authority that says, “I know what needs to happen, and I’ll get us there. Come along with me.” It’s leadership, not because we’re more important than our children, but because we’re more experienced and we have a lifetime of knowledge that gives us confidence and an innate sense of knowing. It’s that ‘knowing’ that makes children feel comfortable and you may be surprised to hear that when they don’t feel that comfort, they’ll let you know. The temper tantrums increase, the tears flow and they’ll ramp up their behaviour to get you to listen. They’ll give you all the hints you need that gentle parenting isn’t working for them.

If you want your child to be confident and resilient, don’t just validate their feelings; give them a role. Let them help with dinner, hang the washing, and set the table. Show them what it means to contribute, not just to feel. That’s how kids build self-worth, through usefulness, belonging, and trust in your leadership.

When we lead firmly and lovingly, we free our children from the burden of leading themselves.  If there is a vacuum in that leadership position, which you as the parent fill, you see the improvements immediately in their behaviour.  They’ll be calm because you’re the leader and they can relax and be a child. And that, ironically, is the gentlest thing we can do.

When life got easy, parenting got confusing. We traded necessity for negotiation and confidence for compromise. But energy can’t buy wisdom, and convenience can’t raise a child. That still takes a parent—not perfect, not endlessly patient, just present, purposeful, and willing to lead.

Are you struggling with tantrums, bedtime battles, or constant negotiation? Is gentle parenting just not working for you? My Behaviour Intervention Service helps you restore calm and confidence at home. Learn more. →